I wake up in a room that is white, and bright with sunlight. The windows are open and the light breeze in blowing the curtains. I am with my husband, the love of my life, and our room is decorated with photographs we took. I’m really happy.
Lesson 3: You Become What You Believe
How would you fill in these blanks?
The one thing I wished I had become is ____.
The one thing I will become is ____.
The one thing I wish I had become is: enough.
The one thing I will become is: my best self.
1 Close your eyes and “fast forward” to a moment 5 years from now, when you are living your best life to its absolute fullest. Describe the room where you wake up—where is it, how is it decorated, and who is there with you?
2 Think of something you wish to make happen— and in your mind create a concrete symbol to represent that wish coming true. What did you wish? What is the symbol?
The first thing I thought of was to stay strong. I mean this in the sense that I’ve learned so much and come such a long way that I always want to hold my ground. I know there will be turbulent times ahead, and people will challenge my choices, and I don’t want to let them set me back. I never want to go back to square one. I want to fight through the storm and hold my ground. My symbol is a stake in the ground surrounded by high winds.
3 What is the feeling in your body as you imagine this wish coming true? Feel for ways to shift and reshape your vision until it feels possible and peaceful. In fact, it’s most likely to happen if it feels like a done deal—normal.
I honestly feel happiness. I can see a smile on my face, even as I’m going though the storm. I know that once the storm is over, I will know I made the right choice for me and be very proud of myself. The people who truly love me and don’t judge me will be standing by my side in that moment.
4 What is it you know you can do, with your eyes closed on your worst day? Thinking about your falling-off-a-log-easy skill, how might you see that leading not just to pleasant outcomes, but to huge success?
Tweet? haha I don’t know. I’m not sure how to answer this.
5 To find out what you truly believe, write a description of your life situation—the people around you, your circumstances, and “blind spots” where your self-concept fails to align with the beauty of your real self.
My current life situation is me, living alone. I work hard and stay busy. I am involved in many things. I am searching for happiness and meaning. I like to reflect and work on myself. I am surrounded by a judgmental family and many acquaintances. I have met some great people but still feel alone to some extent .Sometimes I’m lazy and a mess. I always mean well. I’m always thinking. My job is great but I sense it becoming more stressful.
I think my self concept tends to be harder on myself. I don’t usually give myself enough credit for all that I do, or try to do. I’m too busy trying to be better to stop and tell myself I did a good job. I also don’t make enough effort to nurture the good relationships I have in my life.
6 Look back on your previous answer, and investigate the beliefs that correspond to your life’s worst elements. Rethink those beliefs.
7 When Oprah’s grandmother said she’d be hanging out clothes as an adult, Oprah knew it wasn’t true. When has a negative statement called forth a strong feeling in you that said, “No, this person is wrong. I am meant to succeed”?
This is pretty much every day around certain family members. No one has ever flat out said “You won’t be anything,” but thy also never really build you up. There is a lot of guilt thrown around or negative words & name calling to make sure you feel like you’ve done something wrong and aren’t good enough. It’s taken me a long time to be the support to myself I wish these people had given me.
8 In J.K. Rowling’s first book, someone says of Harry Potter, “One day every child in the world will know his name.” What offhand remarks have you said—or heard someone else say about you—that turned out to be a sort of prophecy?
Hmm this is interesting. I will have to think about it more. Nothing is coming to mind at the moment.
9 Are your actions in alignment with what you say you want in life? Where are you staying in a situation where other people are treating you badly, waiting for them to change? Passivity in a situation of injustice creates a damaged life.
I used to do this a lot. When yo play the victim, you expect people to change and provide you with happiness. You have to be that for yourself. I am still a little bit bitter and resentful, but I’m working on changing my story. I am trying hard to be the change instead of waiting for someone else to change. I believe you have to love people exactly where they are at without wishing they change. I’m working on it.
10 Do you undermine yourself by thinking, “I’ll never…” or “that doesn’t happen for people like us”? Instead, find examples of times your negative belief was wrong. Focus on the places where your life plays out in defiance of your negative beliefs.
I do this with dating a lot. I generalize all guys as the same, and it’s usually with some negative quality. The more I think this way, the moreI draw those people into my life. But I do know some that aren’t. And usually when I’m in a situation where I end up thinking a guy is a jerk, it can also be contributed in some part to the choices I made. I allowed myself to be in the situation or treated that way. Now, as hard as it is, I don’t ignore the truth I really know right from the beginning. It seems hard in the moment to make decisions this way, but I know it’s saving me heartache in the long run. And it’s bringing me the man who is exactly the opposite of all the negative opinions I have stacked up in my lifetime.
Read more: http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Daily-Life-Work-Lesson-3-You-Become-What-You-Believe_1#ixzz1ivQgfIRj
It’s funny when I hear my thoughts, then read them on the page…
“However, once we have done the work to heal ourselves, it then becomes possible for us to bring the best of who we are to others. In return, we will draw in those who are willing and able to bring the best of who they are to us. At the very least, we will be able to distinguish early on those who can’t or won’t do this, knowing that, although this person might have “great potential,” he or she is no one to open our hearts to.” - Katherine Woodward Thomas
What’s Holding you back right now?
What’s holding you back right now?
I am being held back by a fear of failure and not being good enough. I tend to second guess myself or not push myself far enough because I’m doing just fine where I’m at. The times I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone are the times I’ve grown the most. At the same time, I judge myself for not pushing myself out of my comfort zone often enough. I don’t mean for this post to sound super negative though. I know I have come such a long way in the last few years, in 2011 especially. I have made choices that have changed my life for the better and I know what I want more now than ever. My struggle is finding balance and living out the belief that things are exactly the way they are meant to be in this moment. The past is another thing that tends to hold me back but thinking about it now, I have been making better decisions and having a greater understanding and appreciation for the lesson each experience is teaching me. Each current moment is creating a new past. It’s never too late to make that change.
See other people’s responses to this question: http://oprahslifeclass.oprah.com/wall/#/questions/3
1 Some psychologists believe anger is a reaction that occurs to help us protect ourselves from the grief that may arise if we accept a loss or disappointment. Look within yourself for anything from rage to annoyance. What’s the object of your anger?
My anger comes from a place of needing control. When I feel like I’m not in control I get angry. I get angry when I feel like other people are trying to control me or tell me what to do/what I should do. Control is really just an illusion though.
2 Thinking about the anger you’ve just noted, see if the underlying cause of the anger is fear. For example, you may be angry about an ex-spouse because you’re afraid you won’t have enough money after the divorce. If you can find a fear, write it down.
I’m definitely afraid of what I can’t control. I know if I am in control I can make good, responsible decisions. I can control the outcome in some way. If something goes wrong, I know I am responsible and can’t blame it on someone else.
3 Now, still thinking about the same subject, gently go deep into the anger to see if you are feeling sorrow or loss. If there ‘s something you lost—or never had—that has created a wound or sorrow, write it down.
I think this is rooted in my childhood, as many things are. My parents got divorced when I was 6, and the way it went down was traumatic for a little kid. I don’t want to go into a lot of detail here, but it shook my world at the time. Ic an still remember the fear I felt the day this all went down. Your parents are everything at that age and mine were ripped apart. I didn’t see my dad for a year after this, then had supervised visitation. This ingrained in me at such a young age that outside people who you don’t know can force changes in your life you don’t want, and that the people you trust the most may be untrustworthy and unsafe. I think it would have been different if someone in my family had sat us down and explained to us what was going on and held our hand through it all. Maybe they felt like they did, but I don’t remember it if that is the case. There was a lot of fear and uncomfortable feelings during this time. Some of those feelings still exist. To this day, I still feel distance between every single family member. I learned not to get close to those people because someone might take them away.
4 If fear and sorrow were absent, there would be no anger. What act of courage might help you defeat your fear? Where can you go to experience your grief? This workbook is a safe space to solve the underlying problems that keep your anger burning.
I think the only thing that could defeat my fear would be to force myself beyond the uncomfortable feelings and just get close to someone. I can’t do this though. Every time I’ve tried, that trust has been violated or I have been rejected. Part of me know that it is an unrealistic expectation to want everyone to be perfect and never hurt me. The second they are human I give up trying. It’s proof over and over again that I can never be good enough and that my family members are incapable of giving me te love I need.
5 Oprah tells us that forgiveness is giving up the hope that things will turn out other than they did and accepting that events occurred as they occurred. Are there things you can’t accept that happened as they did? Write down what you still can’t accept.
I’ve come a long way in the last year in accepting that things are the way they are and happened the way they did. All I can do is be in the present moment and control the choices I make right now. I am so aware of all I went through so I don’t repeat the same behaviors if I ever have children. I can’t change the past but I get to create my future.
6 IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, explain why this event is unacceptable to you. What bad things have happened because it occurred? You may be tempted to write a novel here, but limit yourself to 50 words—if you want to learn how to free yourself from anger.
I don’t understand how people could do these things to their children or be so consumed in themselves to not pay attention or care how their choices have affected their children.
7 Write down at least 3 good things that happened because of the “unacceptable” event. For example, “Cancer… (1) made me find the beauty in life; (2) helped me lose my fear of death; and (3) showed me that nothing matters except love, peace and joy.”
1. Taught me who I do and do not want to be.
2. Taught me to be strong and rely on myself.
3. …
8 As you begin to acknowledge the good that came from your “unacceptable ” past, you will find forgiveness arising. This is a way to “let go” of anger even if you feel that you’re in a rage—that is, that you don’t have anger so much as anger has you.
Working on it.
Read more: http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Daily-Life-Work-Lesson-2-Letting-Go-of-Anger_1#ixzz1iJTpCsbZ
Where Does Your Ego Get in the Way?
So I totally sucked at the #Resound11 blog prompts. Oops. But I do want to use the questions from Oprah’s Lifeclass series as blog prompts, and since it’s not set to 30 days, I’ll do um as I do um. So here we go:
Where does your ego get in your way?
Ohhh that pesky ego. I’m pretty sure I can relate to all the answers posted to this question. When I feel really strong negative emotions, I slip back into this unconscious state and react from that place. When I’m around certain family members, my anger gets the best of me. My ego says: I resent you for not being the person I believe you should have been in my life. With friends who seem unreliable, flaky, or closer with other people my ego says: You really like that other friend over me and put me last, you clearly don’t value me as a friend. When I see old bfs/people I had relationships with (ie. last night) my ego says: What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I good enough? You are such a jerk for doing that to me! With work, when I know other people make more money than me my ego says: I do the same, if not MORE work than some of these people, it’s not fair that I’m still making X amount of money! In the morning I wake up and look at my hair and my ego says: You are so ugly. You are not pretty at all. You better put on more make up. What did you do? What were you thinking?
If only we could hear these thoughts out loud, we might realize how much damage that ego can cause. I’m thankful for the moments I can recognize those thoughts as thoughts coming from my ego, not who I truly am. I also have some great people in my life who are also on ‘the path’ who bring me back and don’t let me get too lost in that unconscious state. The daily emails I get from TUT.com and The Daily Love also provide little nuggets of wisdom right when I need them. It’s been a struggle to figure out which spiritual path to take, but I made a decision that I need to do what works for me. That’s why my New Year’s Resolution is to truly be myself no matter who I am around or how they perceive me. I’m prepared to lose some friends and piss off some family members, but I’m also prepared to welcome the people who are true friends and those who love me & support me for exactly who I am - flaws and all.
See other people’s answers here: http://oprahslifeclass.oprah.com/wall/#/questions/2
1 What is the one thing that you most identify yourself with (your looks, your job, your family, etc.)? Who would you be if that were to disappear?
I think I would say looks. If that were to disappear, I think I would be really upset. It would take me awhile to truly believe that I am more than that. I know my physical body isn’t ME, but it is my representation in the world. And people are judgmental. Clearly I am too.
2 How do you think others see you? How many of your choices are made to maintain this image?
I think other people see me as independent, strong, tough, silly, a hard worker, maybe a little boring and routine. I think a lot of my choices are made to maintain this image. I see my choices as a reflection of who I am. I put more pressure on myself than anyone else so I need to live up to these qualities for myself. Not that I think I’m boring, but for the people who are spontaneous or like to party a lot, they would think I am.
3 Think of any area where you judge yourself as either inferior to others or superior to them. This is your ego jockeying for position. Fess up to that, and you’ll have moved beyond ego—simply by recognizing it.
I judge myself as inferior when it comes to my professional job. I know I am not the best, and there are always people better than me at what I do. I feel superior to people who don’t seem to have their life together because I try SO hard to make sure that I am doing everything I can. I want to be better, always, and I tend to put that same pressure/expectation on everyone else as well.
4 Are you constantly feeling disrespected? When is the last instance you felt you were treated badly? Why?
No, not constantly. I think you teach people how to treat you, and the choices you make give you results in your life. The one area I would say I DO feel disrespected/treated badly is when it comes to family. I feel like I have a lot of negativity in my family and they try to bring you down with them. There is no encouragement or support, only judgement.
5 What choices have you made that are genuine expressions of who you are and in alignment with what you want from life? What choices, in hindsight, took you away from the person you really are, into an image fabricated by your mind and your society?
The choices I’ve made are to move out on my own, to say no when I could have said yes in some relationship, and when I’ve spoken up in difficult times about how I really feel knowing there would probably be negative consequences. Some choices that have taken me away from the person I really am usually involve boys and trying to gain their approval or affection. Sometimes it’s really easy to not feel good enough and just silence that gut feeling that tells you something isn’t right. Sometimes the thought of them rejecting you hurts worse than making choices that aren’t good for you in the moment. I’ll hold on to these bad relationships just to say I have someone. This is an area where I’ve started to make MUCH better choices, and that often means being alone. I’m ok with that.
6 List choices you’re facing now, whether big or small, and explore which are the ego-driven options and which represent those of your true self.
Do I take some time for me and do nothing, or work on my to-do list? If I choose to do nothing, am I going to feel guilty about it? How do I want to spend my day off tomorrow? Should I get out of my comfort zone when someone asks me to do something, or is that hesitation my gut feeling telling me I’m not really interested? Should I participate in this round of hip hop? If I wait will I never go back?
7 A lot of what we think of as ego is based on fear—of not being good enough, of not meeting others’ expectations. How much of your relationships are based on what you think other people expect from you? Start by thinking of those closest to you.
I think a lot of my relationships are based on what I think other people expect from me. I’m by no means a people pleaser, but the expectations I put on myself come from what I think is ‘right’ based on what the majority of people think. I think my family relationships have so much stress because there is so much conflict of how they think I should act, be, think and it is so opposite of who I truly am. As far as friendships and relationships, I think I’m better at being true to myself but it has left me without anyone really close to me. I think I keep people at a distance for that reason too, I feel like I won’t be what they expect me to be, and I like who I am and won’t compromise that, so I just stay away. I think I have a deep beliefe that no one will ever truly, unconditionally love me for exactly who I am - the good and the bad. That the deepest parts of me need to somewhat remain hidden.
8 What role do you play at home, at work or in the world? What roles do you assign others? What would happen if you were to become aware of these roles and make them less important?
At home, I play the role of busy person. I always have a to-do list that is never ending,a and I fail if I’m not trying to get something done. There is jewelry to be made, graphic design projects to be worked on, the house to be cleaned, the laundry to be done, groceries that need to be bought, rooms and closets that should be organized, etc. At work I play the role of efficient employee who has too much on her plate but will still get it all done - with a smile. That’s just how you are SUPPOSED to be. Int he world I’m just another 26 year old trying to figure it out. Another statistic of someone not being married yet. I can’t even begin to list the roles I assign to others, but this causes me to have expectations and I struggle with this a lot. If I were to make roles less important, I don’t know that I could function. I like structure and expectation. I like control. Dissolving roles means having no expectations or control. I am kid of panicing on the inside just thinking about it. If there are no roles, how does society survive?
Read more: http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Daily-Life-Work-Lesson-1-The-False-Power-of-Ego#ixzz1iG9LUm7h
2011 in review (thx cori)
2011 in review
1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?Started making & selling jewelry! Something I’ve always wanted to do. (http://www.ashleijdesign.storenvy.com)
2. Did anyone close to you die? No
3. What was the best thing you bought? My Canon T3i, and TurboFire
4. Where did most of your money go? BILLS.«—yes! and jewelry supplies
5. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My birthday party at Lasertron :)
6. What song will always remind you of 2011? Passion Pit - Little Secrets (Thanks for the jam, Dan)
7. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? - happier, much much much happier
ii. thinner or fatter? - fatter I think, booo..even though I started TurboFire this year…gotta get back at it and watch what I eat
iii. richer or poorer? – depends…I’d say the same but it depends if I’m actually making or losing money with the jewelry stuff
8. What was your favorite TV program? Parenthood, House…and I love the Bachelor/Bachelorette bc I get to watch it with Megan & that’ basically the only time I see her
9. What was the best book you read this year? Dare I say it..haha..Calling In The One - mostly because this forced me to work on myself and I made new/even stronger friendships with some great girls
10. What was your favorite film of this year? I’m not a huge movie person. Can’t even remember any that I watched this year. I would say the most interesting would be the documentary 2012: Time For Change
11. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 26 and went to Lasertron! And it was amazing :) Best birthday in a long time!
12. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Meeting the love of my life. But I’m trusting God’s timing. It’s only a matter of time.
13. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? Ahh changing? I cut 14 inches off my hair which forced me to try to be more badass. ( as if that’s ossible ha - but the clothes could use some hip-ness) As a graphic designer (and having a love for all things art - painting, photography, jewelry) you’d think I’d have a better fashion sense. I don’t. We’ll see where my style goes in 2012 haha…
14. What kept you sane? My friends who make me feel like I’m not crazy & who love & support me unconditionally, making jewelry, music, my nephew
15. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Christina. As always. <3
16. Who was the best new person you met in 2011? Well I don’t know when exactly I met people (my memory sucks) but Cori and Kelly were two great people I got closer with that are new to my life.
17. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011? Thoughts become things, choose the good ones. ;)
18. What was your job this year? Social Media & Design Specialist at Unyts. And owner/designer of AshleiJ Designs.
19. Did you have any encounters with the police in 2011? I wouldn’t call it an encounter, but a cop gave me a ride back to my car downtown after I locked my keys in it…good times.
20. Have you run into anybody you graduated high school with? The ones that I am still friends with.
21. Describe your birthday. AWESOME. Lasertron is super cool, even at 26 haha…
22. Any new additions to your family? My cousin got married so that counts, right? No new babies…my sister should get on that…
23. What from pop culture will you remember 2011 by? Lady Gaga’s tribute to Jaime Rodemeyer in one of her live performances. For some reason this really struck a chord with me. The year bullying in schools was addressed in the media and by celebrities.
24.) How do you plan to ring in 2012? Well this just happened last night. I went to my sister’s house party, watched an ex-something make out with some ugly chick in front of me, drove downtown at 1am to find no parking and people everywhere, got frustrated by 2am and went home. w00t.
25. What’s something you learned about yourself? I know what I want and I refuse to settle. What I want is so much better than settling for whatever is happening in the moment and this is helping to me make tough decisions. I’m really proud of myself for how much I’ve grown this past year.
A little nugget of wisdom right when I needed it.
I said to myself “I’m looking for something good. Hope this email says what I need to hear.”
Ask and you shall receive.
Whatever your problem or challenge may be, Ashlei, laugh at it. Laugh long and hard.
Because you are forever and it is temporary.
Love you,
The Universe
Ain’t no pain or vice, Ashlei, that you won’t prevail over and be more for. And knowing this will hasten its retreat and blessings.
