I also knew, in walking away from my Shaman Lover, that I would never again fall in love with such wild abandon and blind determination. I was terrified to give up a love that had saved me. But I knew further that what I had found with my Shaman Lover was mine to keep. Even if I never fell in love again, once would have been enough. Because once we have given ourselves to another, we are able to fall in love with life itself. And that can last forever.
I loved my Shaman Lover to the exclusion of the rest of my life. As I neglected everything else around me, my heart awakened and my body healed.
But after a while the secrecy began to take its toll. My Shaman Lover and I began to fight. The dark passion of our fighting was as new to me as the sweet passion of our loving. We yelled, we threw things, we slammed doors and wrote each other angry letters. Then we made up. Then we fought again. I felt as if I was living in a romance novel. Soon we were fighting more and more. We had trapped ourselves in an untenable situation, and I began to understand that this story would not have a happy ending.
He saw the end coming even before we started; I danced into the flames like a silly moth, drunk on the fire, drunk on the kiss. This was the kiss, and suddenly I wanted it with my whole life.
When I first laid eyes on him, I knew I was in the presence of something out of my control. My reasonable self told me to stay away from this man. I did the opposite.
I was drawn to him by a force stronger than any kind of will to turn away - as if his gravitational pull matched that of a planet.
At this point, if I was to join in on 100 happy days posts, more often than not my post would be I’m happy this day is over.
Fear is a sneaky thief, stealing away precious moments of your life.
Somehow over the last two years I’ve slowly become everything I hated about you. Self hating and completely alone. At least I’m not an alcoholic…yet.
How the fuck did this happen?
And how do I get out?
It is the suffering itself that prepares us to receive the miracles.
Repressed pain never goes away. It is stored in the heart, in the body, and even in the genes, like deposits of oil deep within the earth.
Sometimes the things that really piss you off and get under your skin seem immature and selfish, stupid, childish. But sometimes they are things that bother you so much because they are being done by someone you really care about. And then you stop and think, why is someone I care about repeatedly doing these things they know hurt me? And you start to see that maybe these things aren’t so stupid after all. Maybe they aren’t happening to you, they are happening for you, and they keep happening over and over because you allow them and haven’t yet seen the lesson. Maybe getting away is the only option. And you think that means you are running away and avoiding dealing with the issue. But maybe it’s just that push you need to finally make the move that your heart says is the right thing but your ego and fear want you to stay put and hold on to everything that is bad for you. Maybe you’re someone who learns best through pain. Maybe you follow fear and stay put until the pain pushes you out. Maybe leaving is the only way to protect your sanity and stop your ego from taking over and making decisions for you. Sometimes drastic action is required. And is it really all that drastic? Or is that word just another tactic to keep you stuck. It’s risky to go off on your own just to get away from one person. And do we ever really get away with social media nowadays? Fear fear fear. Just for a minute take a breath. Listen to the little whisper that is being drown out by the loud fears. Underneath it all, that voice is telling you that you are worth it. Don’t listen to the fear. There are no mistakes, only lessons, if we choose to see it that way. No matter where you end up, your adventure will begin. Home will always be here, and now is your time. You’ve let the pain build up for at least ten years. When is enough, enough? There is a you that is amazing and awesome and lovely and kind and funny and goofy and creative and smart and inquisitive and loyal and special and beautiful. Why do you keep her hidden in fear? Let her out and allow her to be. You don’t have to be afraid that no one is going to like her. In fact you are depriving the world of all she adds by hiding her away because one person decided she wasn’t good enough. What?! Stop doing that. You know you are ready. And it’s scary, I get that. It’s lonely, but I promise you that is temporary. Like every phase in life, there is constant change and what you are going through now will not last forever. Accept that change is the only constant and let go. Let life be free to be whatever it is. Let him go and allow him to find whatever makes him happy. Other people’s success does not equal your personal failure. This is your life, your story, only you can live it. There is no right and wrong, everything just… is. Fear is a natural part of the process, do it anyway. The only way out is through. And when you feel alone, know that you are not because even if there seems to be no one else around you who has your back, there is always at least one person…Me.
" Sometimes I think that every feeling I have ever had was something I made up fill the empty space of your absent feelings. Had I been shouting into a void and imagining my echoes were answers?"
But to get yourself a new life you’ve got to give the other one away
And I’m starting to believe in the power of a name
Cause it can’t be a mistake if I just call it change
You always dirty up the windows
If you keep ‘em at bay that way no one’s gonna surprise you by getting too close
Anybody but me though
You’ve made exceptions to you rules
And now we’re staring down truth neither one of us wants to know
In another life I wouldn’t need to console myself as I resign to release you.