You were saying?
Cuddling with my favorites
I am so sick of being someone’s lesson & being the vessel to bring people together at my expense. I want to be of service and help people, but not in a way where at the end of the day I’m the one who is discarded. It’s like I don’t exist for any other purpose and once it’s over I’m forgotten. At the end of the day, I’m alone. Every. Single. Time. With a broken heart souvenir.
Help an ex friend meet her husband who was an ex bf of mine and now everyone is a happy group of friends - except me. Be the “something to do for two years” while my now engaged ex tells people he’s been dating her for six years - fuck you. My brother decides another ex is going to be his new best friend.
Guess I need to stop having so many ex boyfriends.
What am I grateful for today?
I made it through the day.
I got to speak to a class at NU about social media.
The last live Brene Brown q&a was awesome.
My dog did not go to the bathroom in the house.
I had a surprise quick visit from my nephew who can always make me smile.
Sometimes we lose people because they choose to leave us. Rejection is one of the most painful experiences we go through. The feeling that you gave someone your heart—and in some cases, years of your time and your care and your energy—and they’ve decided they’d rather move forward without you, can be so devastating. If betrayal is involved, it’s even more painful.
But here’s the thing. If someone couldn’t see you anymore, if they couldn’t recognize the gift that you are in all your uniqueness, then it’s good that they freed you. If they did it in an awful way, that’s part of their journey, and a reflection of where they’re at in their own development. It is not a reflection on you, or your worthiness to be loved. Hurt people, hurt people as the saying goes.
Not everyone communicates well, and some people let their fear and rage and resentment boil up until one day they explode. The explosion can look like turning to someone else, or taking off, or any number of things. And don’t get me wrong here, it’s never one person’s fault when a relationship ends.
You always have to take a look at your own participation. Maybe you bent over backwards trying to make things work. Maybe you accepted poor treatment for too long. Maybe you tried to sell yourself and the other person on how amazing you are, and how great things were. But that isn’t love. That’s manipulation, as painful as it may be to own that.
When we try to convince or manage or control, we’re refusing to accept reality as it is; we’re refusing to deal with the truth of the other person. Don’t ever sell yourself. You’re priceless. One-of-a-kind in seven billion people. If someone can’t recognize the miracle you are, truly, release yourself. We all deserve to be seen and understood and cherished. You may need to learn to do those things for yourself, first.
I know you like to sit on your high horse and manipulate all the details so I’m the bad guy and all this is a result of what I’ve said and done. Listen - I have no problem admitting my flaws and the role I played in our inability to get along. But you were wrong, and you need to admit it.
Here is how you were wrong: you “loved” me and her at the same time. I may have DATED someone while I was in love with you but you were “in love” with me while you WERE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE. That is Fucked Up. You are not on the fucking Bachelor. You don’t get to date a bunch of girls and be in love with a few of them just to select your final one in the end. I am a real person and that is really shitty.
Do you remember walking through Chestnut Ridge in the rain? How you kept repeating how much you loved me for being out there with you. “I love you SO much right now!” I can hear it like you are sitting next to me saying it. I can feel how tight you hugged me just thinking about it. If I ever felt like you meant it, it was in that moment. You also proceeded to tell me that day how you’d propose to me if I came out there in the winter with you.
If I asked you right then if you would propose to someone else in just a few weeks I am sure you would have strongly said no. But yet, you were in love with someone else. In that moment you told me you loved me you were loving someone else. And don’t try to deny it because you don’t just take someone to Germany and propose if you aren’t in love with them. And you didn’t just magically realize you were in love with her the day we broke up, the same day you started dating her. I suppose I should have known by your reaction when I told you I thought we’d get back together and be engaged in like a month. You were shocked and said no, no that’s the goal but not right away. Yet “it just happens” that you asked someone who lives across the country to marry you within a month of us breaking up.
That day I showed up at your door you should have told me then, listen I am in love with someone else. You should have told me then. You should have turned me away. You can blame my non-acceptance and “rules” all you want. I can easily turn that around and say you wanted me to be a doormat and throw out my morals and values to be with you. At the end of the day, I don’t know if I have ever been treated with less respect, less value, less love then to know you were in love with someone else the entire time and you didn’t think it would be nice to tell me. Just like you didn’t think about how devastated I would be to find out in the way I did at work. I’m starting to wonder - did you ever think about how I felt? Ever?
I never gave you half my heart. You had the whole thing since the moment I saw you at that staff meeting. And I have done nothing but try to be a better person so that I could be GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU for the last two years. I am grateful for the way you opened my mind and challenged me to think differently. But I think it’s time I start being good enough for myself. I already am, but somewhere along the line it became ok to sacrifice parts of that so I could try to keep you. Funny thing is though, you were never mine.
And even in this moment, I am crying because losing what I never had hurts so much. I have never tried harder in a relationship and I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone else so much. So much that, while I think you are making a huge mistake, I still want you to be happy and learn to love yourself.
So I’m going to be hurt. And angry. And confused. But every time I cry over this I will remind myself that I am good enough, I am worthy of love, I deserve better than to be second place in someone’s heart who is number one in mine. Every day I will get stronger until you are just a memory. You have no idea how much it hurts to even say someone I care for so much will become just a memory to me. It hurts. So. Much. But there is no other way. I have to let go and move on and stop dwelling on how I wasn’t good enough for you.
Baby steps. I got through today. Now I just need to get through tomorrow.
The first step to creating a new life is to accept and appreciate where you are
What am I grateful for today?
I am grateful for my sister and the coffee she brought to me with a hug.
I am grateful for the big cookie my boss gave me.
I am grateful for the text from my mom saying she wants dig out his eyes. She finally took my side.
I am grateful that my work gave me an office and not a cubicle so I don’t have to cry out in the open.
I am grateful for showing up today.
I made a green smoothie and did yoga.
My dog did not go to the bathroom in the house.
A coworker came in my office to tell me I am meant for great things. Just, wow.
Thank you for getting me through today in one piece. That dark hole I could go down, I’m staying out, but I know its not just because of my own will. Thanks for sending me signs that I am cared about. Thank you for providing a light, for providing hope. Allow me to fill my mind with positive thoughts, not only for myself, but for those who have hurt me. We are all one soul, and so we are all connected. Remind me of that daily. Bring me peace.
I have made the decision never to give in til the day I die no matter what. I’m gonna carry on & keep on singing my song…
What good things happened today?
I woke up
I am able to dress myself
I have heat
I made a green smoothie
I have coworkers, friends and family who care about me
I can breathe in and out
I don’t pray much. I should do that more.
I need peace. Please calm the storm in my heart. Remind me to breathe. Please show me the light in the dark. I want to make it through this. I don’t want to become bitter and afraid. I do not want to be filled with resentment. I want to see the lessons. I want to examine what role I played in this so I can become a better version of myself. I ask for your love to surround my hurting heart and care for it while it heals. I cannot do this on my own. Fill me with faith for the better things to come. Take me out of myself so I can be of service to others, not with a resistance but with joy and true desire to give. I can see that I want to help people. Please deliver to me the right outlet for that where my gifts and talents shine in order to lift others up. Thank you. Thank you for never leaving me. Thank you for being strong when I am not. Thank you for Love and healing.
Even in uncertain times, it’s always important to keep things in perspective.
Simple, but so hard to do sometimes.
Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to ‘keep him interested’ is to be you.